The test of our principles is in dealing with people who don't share them.

 

This quote – oh how it has come to resonate with me for the last few months.  My principles have never been tested as they have been of late; my principles seem to never really have been tested before. 

And yet, WOW – how they are tested now over and over again. 

We all have principles by which we live our lives.  We might require honesty or respect or integrity from ourselves and those we hold close.  We might choose loyalty as one of our principles or dedication or honor.  Perhaps love is one of the principles by which we live our lives or commitment or materialism.  Perhaps our principles are all very different and change with time and growth, but we all have them.  We all have those ideals and boundaries and priorities by which we live our lives.  They are the model we present to the world; the model we provide to our kids and ourselves. 

If most tare like me, they live their lives without these principles truly being tested.  After all, we usually keep company with those who share some of our principles and life values.  If we value honesty, rarely do we knowingly choose to spend time with someone who chooses dishonesty as a way of life.  If we value materialism, we probably don’t choose to keep close company with someone who shuns such a lifestyle. 

Principles – they are as singular to each of us at a given point in time as the color of our eyes, our experiences, and the life that we live. 

For months now I have had to look at my principles and consider their role in my life.  Is it worth it to keep honesty as such a high priority when I have seen that dishonesty brings happiness and trust and unconditional love? 

Is it worth my time to live in integrity?

Valuing the time a person gives and the gift of the person themselves over the materialistic… is that worth keeping?  Perhaps it is easier to have someone buy my love and respect over simply accepting the gift of the self with an open and accepting heart?

Empathy – something that takes time and objectivity and  an open heart… would my time be better spent as the system in which I apparently live is more concerned with logistics and quantitative information over emotions and character and qualities?

You name one of my driving principles – the foundations of my adult life and all the model I have used to raise my daughter – and they are each continually thrown at me in disarray of late.  Each principle is being tested. 

I will tell you, it isn’t fun.  It is not a happy experience.  It is an experience that has found me in tears of frustration because I am who I am.  I have lived my life according to these core principles and now those very principles are shattered around my feet.  

My feelings and emotions are not always pretty.  They are not always about love and balance but are sometimes about anger and fear.  They are messy and require  my attention but not so much attention that I  lose track of the moment or today or what is important in life.  

I find myself in the shower thinking.  Thinking about things that really aren’t healthy or beneficial.  Thinking thoughts that will create the mood for the next few hours if I am not careful.  

I find myself saying, as loudly as I can in my mind… “Enough” “That is enough!”  

And sometimes it works.  Sometimes the thoughts disappear  down the drain on a current of water.  

It is two steps forward and one step back.  It is dealing with the ideas and the notions that people make choices that are not about me and yet effect me all the same.  It is about looking at fear and self centeredness and trying to come to terms with the idea of sending love and detaching as much as possible.  

It isn’t pretty; it is messy; and it is necessary.  

"Our self-esteem is rather like a beautiful but delicate flower that needs constant nourishment and care in order for it grow and remain protected."

Lynda Field ‘60 Ways To Feel Amazing’

This morning I shuffled the deck of healing cards and attempted to focus my energy and quiet my mind. I am never quite sure which card I will draw, and, I am often surprised that of 51 cards, I have seen just ten as I have drawn the same cards time and time again. All messages speaking of forgiveness, letting go, and focusing on the moment. All messages that center on taking care of myself.

I drew a deep breath, focused, and quickly let my fingers pick the card.

One of my favorites – one that I have received once before.

The thought being, To be certain of the road, close your eyes and walk in the dark.

I was raised believing that confidence is something that comes from within.  One doesn’t need to talk about accomplishments or strengths, one doesn’t need to toot one’s horn; one doesn’t need to prove anything to anyone.

Thus it came as a surprise to me when someone asked why it is that I don’t seem to give myself the credit I rightly deserve for all that I have accomplished?

I have thought long and hard about this in the past week…

Because, because I did all the things I have done because I didn’t have a choice.  Oh, I mean I had a choice, I just didn’t consider any other choice.  I moved forward.  I trusted myself.  I did what needed to be done.  

Isn’t that what everyone does?

That is the way I have always lived my life, so the idea that the current crisis would ask me to choose differently continues to puzzle me; and yet, I do see that I don’t give myself credit for things I do.  I no longer give myself the acknowledgement that I could for the strength that I have or the choices I have made.  

I find myself struggling to find myself in general – instead I am caught comparing myself to another.  I know I am doing it, I recognize that it does me no good and isn’t healthy, and yet it is easy for me to pretend that I am less a person if I believe that person to be more.

As I write here, I am going to toot my horn.  I am going to stand up and say – I am HERE!!  I am not only here but I have a voice, a spirit, and a presence.  No one can take that away from me!!